I
continue on with my struggle against the busyness of work/school/life. Sadly, my current schedule keeps me
from doing many of the things that bring me simple joy, such as taking walks
with friends, taking myself to the movies, and writing blog entries. When I find myself getting melancholy
at this acknowledgement I just remember the medicine of Hawk: Fly up higher to see the bigger
picture. When I remind myself why
I decided to go back to school, and, more to the point, that it’s only a ten
month gig, I can breathe a little more easily in the confines of my
claustrophobic schedule. I play
this game with my Self pretty much every day, but at least it’s still working …
sort of.
I have
been hearing the whisper of Change on the air, though, so I know it’s coming
soon. I’m getting so restless.
I’ve
had a pretty eventful past few weeks.
I’ve been wanting to post about these happenings individually and in
depth for some time, but, well, the aforementioned time bind means that these
little blurbs will have to do. I
at least have to get the gist of what’s happening recorded for posterity’s
sake. One day, I imagine, it will
be amusing for me to read back over the events of my life.
I’m
still having struggles with my health – physical, yes, but also emotional and
spiritual. In case you are
wondering, there is no cause for alarm.
From a public perspective, I still appear quite healthy. And, to be fair, I am in many ways. Mostly I’m dealing with extreme mold
and mildew in my home, and the physical, mental and emotional repercussions
that such a toxic state entails.
It’s been even worse with all the rain we’ve been having lately. I’m doing my best to maintain. But this disease lurking deep within me
makes things a bit of a challenge sometimes. I find that I have little energy for anything. I push through school and work .. and
do alright there since I’m out of the house. But once I’m home I’m just so tired that I can do little but
curl up on the couch or go to bed.
It’s exhausting and frustrating.
But, since I haven’t the time nor the energy to try to break my lease
and find a new place to live, I am just trying to manage it until May.
During
this down time, I have been trying to remain open to hearing the stories of my
Self and of the world around me. I
am in a place of unknowing
at present, and despite my appreciation of the infinite possibility and
adventure that lives in this space, it is a very uncomfortable space for
me. I suppose part of that
discomfort lies in the very base awareness that I am uncomfortable here. (Chicken? Egg?) I
feel a sense of weakness, I suppose, at my cowering in the face of what could
be (and likely is) a most exciting new beginning. It’s hard to get excited about anything when my health is in
such a lousy state. But the
idea of change on its way is what keeps me pushing through this current
discomfort.
So, on
to other news …
The
biggest bit of news is that I got a car.
I know, I know, I wasn’t going to do that. I wrote about how wonderful it is to be able to walk around
town and really see the nooks and crannies of the place in which I live. I touted the benefits that walking
everywhere has on my health. I
recounted how nice it is to not have to worry about traffic jams, or the price
of gas, or finding a parking space in a college town in September. And all those things still ring true, I
promise. However … yes, there’s a
“however”. However … once school
began, new layers of experience around the not-having-a-car situation
developed. First of all, Durham’s
bus system, though adequate, is not great. They are continually making improvements, but it is still not
absolutely reliable. And while
there are some really wonderful, interesting and diverse folks who ride the
bus, there are also some really … well, let’s say less than pleasant folks who ride it, too. Some are very rude, some (though few)
potentially dangerous, and some with some really poor hygiene habits. Buses are small, enclosed spaces containing
tightly packed groups of people with recycled heat or A/C and little or no
fresh air ventilation. This makes
for some potentially very unpleasant transport experiences. Finally, the bus route that goes to my
campus is being canceled come January, so I will no longer have a way to get to
school in the new year. All of
these factors played a role in my decision to finally get another car. And I feel really good about it.
It’s
fascinating to me how I always oscillate between extremes in my life. Just a couple years ago I was beginning
to shed all my belongings, setting out to live a much more sparse
existence. More and more these
days I find myself longing for more
stuff. I am craving a better living
environment, super excited about having a car again, wanting to go shopping
(sometimes just for the sake of going shopping). I’ve even caught myself daydreaming over owning a mobile
phone again. Crazy! Whether my rediscovered appreciation
for the convenience of a mobile phone will win out over my intense distrust and
abhorrence of the mobile phone service provider industry is yet to be
determined. Still, I cannot
overlook the fact that I have a life pattern of swinging from one extreme to
the other. I suppose it is this
very pattern that drives my desperate search for balance. Hmmm … I digress …
In
other news, I attended my 20-year high school reunion earlier this month. I must own that I was feeling pretty
trepidatious about it. It’s been a
long time (20 years!) since I’ve seen most of these people, and I have changed
so dramatically in that time span.
I am sure that everyone else has undergone their own changes, as
well. I still have a very wounded
relationship with my past self, and was just feeling really unsure about how I
was going to feel revisiting those old relationships. I almost didn’t go. I didn’t go to my 10-year reunion. But I felt like I just needed to do it
and deal with it. So with my
Sister and a bottle of bourbon in tow, for support and courage, respectively, I
went.
It
wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was
kinda fun. Unfortunately, (or
fortunately, I’m not sure which) there was a very low turnout. But it was nice seeing the people who
did attend. My only complaint was
that I didn’t really get to talk much with anyone beyond the quick “what are
you doing now?” updates. That was
partially my fault, as we had a heck of a time finding the place in the dark,
so were late arriving. And we had
to leave a little early. (More on
that in a bit.) But, too, this
event, on the whole, wasn’t very conducive to in-depth conversing. (Or at least not for someone like me,
who is not a natural conversationalist.)
Mostly we ate and danced.
Now I kind of feel like I am left with the unfinished business of
visiting my past without making any reparations while there. I take full responsibility for not
being better at really talking with my old classmates. As I mentioned already, I’m a very
uncomfortable conversationalist, in general. So, if anyone from the reunion happens to be reading this, I
hope you’ll forgive me for not talking with you more. It was fun to see you.
I’m glad I went. I’m glad
you went, too.
The
reason Sister and I left the reunion a little early was to drive up to
Asheville for the night. We
thought it’d be a good opportunity to visit Sister’s friend and to become more
acquainted with the town. We
visited several spas, including the famed Grove Park Inn Spa, and picked up the
local rag (comparable to The Independent here in Durham) to get an idea of town
happenings, job openings and housing possibilities. It was a good trip, when all was said and done, despite its
brevity. Thanks to Sister for
being my brave and accommodating companion!
This
brings us to my final bit of news:
A couple of weeks ago I found myself running late for school. In my groggy, early morning fog I
managed to misread my clock. When
I realized what time it actually
was, I threw on my clothes, scooped up my bags, and bolted out the door. I really didn’t want to miss the
bus. If I miss any of the three
buses that take me to campus, I have to wait a whole hour to catch the next
round. No good. So, I’m running to the first bus stop,
which is about 10 minutes from my house on foot. A couple blocks from the stop, it happened. I tripped on I don’t know what. Next thing I know I’m airborne. I began to experience the inevitable
slowing of time as I realized I was falling. After a split-second infinity my left hip hit asphalt,
followed shortly thereafter by my left shoulder. Luckily my head did not hit the ground as it ricocheted with
the force of the fall. Lucky, too,
was the fact that it was so early in the morning that there were no cars on the
road (I fell smack in the middle of it), and it was too dark for anyone to
witness my spill. I managed to get
myself up and hobble to the bus stop with even a few minutes to spare, so it
all worked out that morning.
Unfortunately my body has been jacked up ever since. I have managed to schedule one bodywork
session, but this is apparently going to take a few more to get me back to
normal … whatever that is. The really funny part of it was that
during that slow-motion descent all I could think was: I don’t fall! I’m a yoga teacher! I’m a massage therapist! What is happening here? I DO NOT fall!! Oh well … I guess we all fall sometimes.
So
that’s the nutshell version of this life of late. It’s been a roller coaster ride of ups, downs, twirls and
whirls. I’m still hanging on,
though, and, most of the time, having fun.
What
have you been up to?
While
you prepare your answers, I’ll leave you with this little pearl from Rumi. Hope you enjoy it!
I am smiling at myself today
There's no wish left in this heart
Or perhaps there is no heart left
Free from all desire
I sit quietly like Earth
My silent cry echoes like thunder
Throughout the universe
I am not worried about it
I know it will be heard by no one
Except me.
~ Rumi
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