Reflection and Growth

Having spent most of my formative years during the 1980s - a decade best described by greed, rampant consumerism, and decadent excess - it is no wonder that I have spent much of my life aspiring to happiness through the collection of material things. I erroneously believed that if I could only have enough money to buy the things I wanted, I could be happy, and my life would be well-lived. I have, now, finally begin to realize the errors of this way of thinking. For, in placing my abilities for happiness in the attainability of a certain sufficiency of funds, and never seeming to have such sufficiency of funds, I have spent my life in a constant internal struggle between loving money and hating it. This, as one might imagine, has never brought me happiness.
I began to turn my thoughts to this conundrum, feeling that some sincere scrutiny was definitely in order.
I have been working since I was fifteen years old with the goal of making money for the things I want. And while I never managed to have many of the things I wanted, I have managed to accumulate a great deal of material possessions - so great, in fact, that it embarrasses me to really consider it. Some of the things I've amassed are even really nice things. Yet, why haven't these things brought me the happiness I had been sure they would? Why can I not arrange them, organize them, display them in such a way that they bring me the fulfillment they surely should?
I've been pondering these questions for a while now. My first thought was that I'd gotten the wrong stuff. So, I exchanged some of the old stuff for some new and different stuff. Surely, this was going to fix my problem.
It didn't.
My second thought was that, perhaps, I needed to organize and arrange this new stuff in new ways to reflect how I had grown and matured in my purchasing habits.
This didn't work, either.
Finally, and reluctantly, I began to really consider my attachment to these things. What value did all of these material possessions afford me? How were they improving my life? How, specifically, could they make me happy?
In so doing I was lead to seriously consider what it is that I truly value in life, itself; to determine what comprises a happy and fulfilling life for me?
I finally came to the ridiculously obvious conclusion that a well-lived life - for me - is one filled with meaningful experiences and relationships. It has little, if anything, to do with possessing lots of stuff. This was a definite light bulb moment. It was as if I'd just gotten the punchline of a joke I'd heard years before.
Suddenly, all of the items filling my house, my attic, my garage have become an oppressive and weighty albatross about my neck. It now seems as if I've been slowly building an army, piece by piece, that will eventually overtake me and force me to surrender to my own undoing. I can not let this happen. I will not let this happen.
It was in that moment of realization that my new life began. I have laid my old life to rest, not with anger and resentment, but with gratitude for the knowledge it's given me. I make my first steps on this new road with excitement and reverence, and, yes, a dose of fear. But, it's a healthy fear that propels me to action, so I am glad for it. I am slowly prying my emotional grips loose from the objects of my former life, and sending these objects out into the world with the hopes that they will find good purpose for someone else who needs them. With every item that goes, I feel lighter and less fettered. I am ready to remove the albatross, and disassemble the army, and to seek more appropriate companions in new experiences and deeper relationships.
This is my road, now. And it's a wide and welcoming road with a bright horizon.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes ...

So, the raison d'etre of this blog is taking a slightly dramatic shift. With the recent drastic change in my income, and the unusual weather keeping me housebound (snow in NC?!), I have been doing a lot of reflecting, philosophizing, and questioning. I won't bore you with the tedious details of how I came to my decision, but the decision has been made nonetheless: I am going to get rid of my belongings, get my house in order, sell my house, and buy an RV and call it home. Yes, I know you may be thinking any number of thoughts about this decision ... likely all in the vein of "Is she off her noggin?" But, I don't think I am. (Well, not in regards to this decision, anyway.) I finally realize that in trying to secure a somewhat normal life for myself, I have only managed to make myself a relative hermit with lots of pets, too many bills, and a tendency toward boredom and depression. From the moment I bought my house, my excitement at having taken a responsible (read: conventional) "grown up" step toward a proper (read: conventional) "grown up" life has been shadowed by a strong feeling of suffocation and entrapment. While I love Durham, I have never truly felt at home here. My life has become a stagnant, purposeless, boring mess, and threatens to continue this thread if I don't take action to change it. And the action that seems to make the most sense for me, is to release the baggage of then, and start over with the now. I've been reading everything I can find on selling a home, and buying an RV, and living in an RV, and being nomadic, in general, etcetera, etcetera. And every time I envision what my new life might be like, I get happy little butterflies in my belly. Okay, so half of those butterflies are gleefully happy, and the other half are scared out of their wits, but even the thought of doing something this scary feels pretty incredible. Isn't is common knowledge that truly spectacular awakenings can only really happen when we remove ourselves from our comfort zone?
So, while I'll continue to post about the things I'm doing to get my house ready to go to market, I'll also be sharing insights on the preparations for this new life journey. I've already started posting furniture for sale on craigslist, and have begun some small repairs on the house. I've done round one of primer painting on the hideous salmon pink trim in the hallway. (It was left by the previous owners, and I never got around to changing it.) I've removed all the old grody caulk around my bathtub, and am prepping it for new sealant stripping. I'm constantly editing my belongings and relegating oodles of items to the attic to sort for sale once I've freed up a little more space in the house proper. Plus, I've compiled a list of all the things I need to have addressed for the house to be ready to be shown to a realtor. The list includes estimated costs, notes on potentially necessary goods and services purchases, and the estimated order of priority for each item. (It's a bit longer than I'd like it to be, but it's doable, and that's a comfort.) My dad has agreed to help me with many of the items on the list, which is also a great comfort. So, you see, the blog's taking a huge Left Turn ... as is my life.
Check back often ... I'm sure there's gonna be lots to share as the journey unfolds. As always, your feedback is welcomed. Here's to happy experimental adventure!

Inside and Out

Yesterday was a good day of experimentation. I have been feeling the Gloom descending upon me for the last couple weeks, and was really determined to stave it off: This is no time for wallowing in self-pity, this is time for positive action! So, I took advantage of the unseasonably warm weather and got outside. I rode my beautiful new/old bicycle, Miss Patty, to the library and back. While at the library, I got some dvds on travel and finances, plus a yoga video. I thought these might be a good way to stimulate my creativity in a practical way and learn something while doing so. I took the scenic route on Miss Patty. It was wonderful, though, admittedly, a little challenging since I haven't ridden a bike in ages. When I got home, I had a little snack before heading out to Duke Forest for some solitary hiking. (Actually, I invited a friend, but it being a last minute invite, she wasn't available.) Being in the woods is always therapeutic for me. I hiked for over half an hour, and would have stayed longer, but the darkening gray skies were threatening rain, and I didn't fancy getting my car all soggy on the ride home.
These excursions cleared my vision a little, so that I was able to make a few more decisions about the house decorating project. I removed the blue lace 'shades' from the living room windows. Despite loving them in the room, they were casting a greenish tint against the ivory drapes hanging over them. I just couldn't jam on the murky effect that was having, so they had to go. Instead, I realized they could work as the curtains on the kitchen annex window. This room is just off the living room, so they'd help to tie the colors of the two rooms together. Then I hung the pictures I framed on Monday and Tuesday above the sofa, so that the walls wouldn't look so sad and bare. The room will still have a way to go before being finished, but I think it's definitely starting to come together into a cohesive design. Since I'm working on a limited budget and trying to focus on re-purposing items I already have rather than bowing shamelessly to the gods of consumerism, I rifled through old magazine cutouts and saved calendars to find pictures to frame, and used mostly old frames I had stored in my attic. I tried to keep the color palette a reflection of the colors in my sofa to connect all the disparate subjects in the pictures. I chose the high school graduation photo of my mother as the center anchor of the arrangement. She's so beautiful, don't you think? I'm going to have to start earnestly planning for the painting of the walls very soon. (I hate painting, so this is going to take some discipline!) I'm still unsure of the best color for the walls in the living room. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

Weekly Roundup

Well, this week has been an interesting one. I've been having a lot of inspiration about projects I want to complete at the house, and have been trying to get them all organized so that I might actually be able to get them done at some point. The big catch is that I am suddenly facing a pretty sizable decrease in income. So, on top of all the project planning, I'm also having to ramp up my creativity on how I might find less expensive ways to do the things I've planned and everyday ways to save money during the course of my mundane activities. I'm forcing myself to look at this new predicament as an adventure in creativity and thrift rather than a roadblock.
So, before all of this had taken effect, I had managed to purchase some fabric for window treatments and a new duvet cover for my bed. I also got a down blanket to fill the duvet cover. I got a new trash can - finally - since I'd been using an old galvanized outdoor can that took up way too much space and, thus, looked a little dumpy. (Pun intended.)
I've been having trouble finding fabrics for my bedroom that really make me happy. I've made several purchases of fabric that I thought might work, but then ended up schlepping them back to the store when they just didn't work like I wanted them to in the space. I'm still waiting to find the right fabric, but my fabric shop choices are limited around here. I've checked online, but still haven't managed to find anything that really compares to what I'm envisioning in my head. I'm envisioning a sort of 1970's-esque palm beach fabric with pinks, reds and oranges on a white background ... sort of reminiscent of a Diane von Furstenberg dress. If anyone has any suggestions on where to look for a fabric like this, please do share! Maybe later - once I've gotten all my project ideas organized and written down - I'll post my plans on here. I'll also post some photos of the finished windows in a day or two. Until then ... happy experiementing!

Household Overhaul

Well, this has certainly been a productive weekend, despite early signs of floundering and laziness. I'm not sure what came over me, but Saturday evening I received a sudden surge of motivation and inspiration which prompted me to immediately start overhauling my entire house. It began with finally making the curtains for the living room. (I've had the fabric since before Xmas, and kept procrastinating making them.) Once they were hung it became apparent that I would have to rearrange the living room furniture. As I was rearranging the furniture, I began to feverishly reevaluate half of the stuff I own. That lead to a maddening round of purging items I no longer use or need and reorganizing the items I'm keeping. The 'game' continued ceaselessly today, and will have to be picked up tomorrow since I just didn't have time to finish it all today. It feels so good to be lightening up like this. And with every task I complete, I am made aware of twelve more that need doing. It's like a wonderful roller coaster. I feel like I'm freeing my self and my space to make room for new items and experiences ... ones that will be more appropriate to my current tastes and needs. It's so amazing to me how much I'm willing to release now, when I just went through this purging and reorganizing routine only a few short months ago. I thought I had let go of so much then - and, truthfully, I had - but now I'm ready to let go of even more.

Has anyone else ever had the sense that the external environment is a direct reflection of the inner environment? I've known this for ages, but it never ceases to amaze me. Anytime my house is a chaotic mess, it seems my life is a chaotic mess, as well. When I purge and clean my home, it seems to open my mind to a greater sense of clarity and purpose and resolve. When I de-clutter my house, I de-clutter my mind. It's such a simple form of magick, really, but is so powerful. I highly recommend you try it, too. And, if you feel the inkling, please leave some feedback on your own discoveries through the process ...

Someone's in the kitchen ...

Today's been a pretty good day. I was somehow feeling both lazy and motivated, which resulted in my getting several items from my "to do" list accomplished, but at an easy and enjoyable pace. I finished making the bread I started yesterday. It was so easy, and it's really delicious. Finally ... I have gluten free bread that's light and crusty and wonderful rather than the dry, dense junk I've gotten from the market. Hooray! For lunch I made myself some butternut squash soup with a couple slices of my just-from-the-oven bread topped with brie cheese and mango chutney. I washed it down with a glass of pinot grigio. Delightful! (See photos.)
I also made a white bean and mustard greens bruschetta and a brie, pear and olive tart. The bruschetta's quite nice. I used a fig infused vinegar to add a little zest and it was the perfect balance to the slightly bitter greens and slightly sweet beans. I haven't tasted the tart yet ... I was to full from all the bread and bruschetta ... but it looks beautiful, and I'm looking forward to having some tomorrow. Perhaps I'll have a slice for breakfast with some bacon on the side? Mmmm.
When I wasn't concocting yummy treats, I was sweeping and mopping the entire house. I also tidied up the craft room so that I can stop having excuses and hopefully get my curtains sewn tomorrow. I'll put up some photos when they're finished.
Whew. So glad to have a nice day after the mutinous Monday yesterday. Here's hoping tomorrow's just as good!

Monday, Monday ...

Usually I have no beef with Mondays. They've generally treated me pretty well. We've gotten along okay. Today, however, Monday was a wee bit bitchy with me. Nothing extremely earth-shatteringly terrible happened. There was just a series of tiny little crummy instances that left me feeling a little undone. Now, normally, when I'm in a funk, I'll console myself by hopping into my pajamas, grabbing a glass of something numbing and resorting to watching something from my dvd collection for the millionth time. Today, I came home, feeling a little weepy, and put on my pajamas. I heated up a calzone, and finished the fourth Harry Potter book. Somehow, this was enough to put me back to rights. After that I did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen (yes, my kitchen is pretty much always in need of a clean), then cleaned an old tiny shelf that had been on my porch. I painted said shelf. I put said shelf in my bathroom and redecorated half the room. I also began a loaf of [gluten free] no-knead bread so that I can have the loaf ready by tomorrow afternoon when I will no doubt be hungry for a brie and chutney sandwich. With all that behind me, I'm feeling much less mopey. In fact, I'm feeling pretty darn good. Now, I'm going to grab that glass of wine and start on book five. Happy Monday!