I have been putting off writing this blog entry. I'm not wholly sure why, but I think it's mostly that I just haven't wanted to deal with the subject of my grandpa's death again. But, I am finally feeling recovered enough to do this now.
The two visitations were a challenge. For one, being in a strange parlor with the empty shell of a loved one, is often uncomfortable. Secondly, there's all that standing ... and in fancy dress and shoes ... especially fairly new platform pump heels ... it can be even more uncomfortable. Thirdly, for me, at least, it's never easy to watch my parents experiencing pain and anguish. And these events provided many opportunities to witness the pain and anguish of my parents. Add to that all the people to whom we were playing host/ess, several of whom my sister and I had never met in our lives, and you may begin to understand the challenge. Of course, it was nice to see some of the people we did know and remember. Some of whom we haven't seen in too many moons to count. Everyone seemed full of love and respect and a generosity of spirit that only good Southern American folk seem to know how to offer. (That is not to imply that other folks cannot share these traits or emotions ... rather that Southern Americans have a particular style of sharing.)
The funeral was really nice. It might be the nicest funeral I've ever attended. The pastor, very respectfully and very graciously, kept his speeches directly on the topic of my grandfather, his accomplishments, his family and friends, and his relationship with my grandmother. It was sweet, kind, sometimes heartbreaking and sometimes funny. It was all charming. (But, then, so was my grandfather, so that was more a testament to him than to anything else, I think.) The burial was at the military cemetery. They did a full military salute with shots fired, and a presentation of an American flag to my uncle. It was quite moving, and I'm not even a super patriotic person. Afterwards we all went back to the church where some of the families there had made us a potluck dinner. It was very southern, and very sweet. It was especially nice to spend some time with a few of the ladies that kept my grandfather fed and socialized. They are a fine little hen party, indeed. Ms. Loretta was my grandpa's closest companion after my grandma died. And Ms. Marie, one of my grandpa's neighbors is just so lovely that I wish I could carry her around with me all the time. Then there's Nioka, Marie's daugher, and Minnie, another neighbor. All fine ladies with distinguishingly fine taste in gentlemen friends.
So, to bring some closure to this topic ... on the page, anyway ... I would like to write this about my Grandfather:
Johnnie Milton Burdine was a heckuva fellow. He was equal parts hellion and gentleman. He was a baker of highly acclaimed pies; a grower of amazingly large and flavorful tomatoes; an avid traveler and RVer; an accomplished carpenter and handiman; a loving father and grandfather, and a devoted and totally smitten husband. He was kind, and generous, and he was the best storyteller I've ever met. (And I've met some good ones.) Above all, he was a true Liver of Life. I am proud to have his genes, and hope I can somehow manage to live up to them. May he be rewarded for a life well lived.
On a lighter note ...
With all of the travel to Kentucky lately, I've gotten about 3 weeks behind on my goal plans. So, when we got back from the funeral, I was planning to jump back in, full force, and get myself caught up and back on track as soon as possible. The Universe, however, had other plans. Apparently, it was necessary for me to take a little more down time and re-shift my focus slightly. Upon my return I developed a sinus infection, pulled my back out twice (twice!), and broke a light switch in the camper. THEN ... my sister and her canine companion, Fozzy, got into a car accident that smashed up her (dad's) truck along with two other vehicles. (Actually the first vehicle had only very minor damage, but the second was all smooshed up in the front and back. Thank goodness, no one was hurt.) My back is better now. And I was able to take some Quercetin/Bromelain/Vitamin C tablets along with some raw garlic and neti pot washes to help clear up the sinus stuff. (It's not gone completely, but enough so that it isn't keeping me from working now.) I'm still working on the light fixture, but Jim said he can help me replace the switch. (He is like my guardian angel here, I swear.)
So, over the weekend, when we had such BEAUTIFUL weather, I jumped in and got down and dirty in my storage units. I am almost finished organizing the Keeper stuff (in one unit!) and am going through the last of the Not Keeping stuff this week. I am hoping to have a sale ... perhaps an online auction ... of the Not Keeping stuff to act as a fundraiser for my trip. There's not enough to really make mad money, but if I can sell everything, then I am hoping to at least have enough to get my gear purchased for the trip. So, you will likely be seeing more information on that in the very near future. Keep checking in!
I still have one final chapter to finish in the Personal Training book. I'm hoping to knock it out this weekend, so I can try to start the test sign up process on Monday. Once that happens, I will be back on track again.
While sorting through the storage units, I've also been going through the camper and boxing the Keepers and purging the Nots. That will make finishing up the last of the camper repairs much easier, which means I should be able to start work on those pretty soon, too. I don't think there's really too much that needs doing, so I'm hoping I'll finish it up ahead of schedule and can get Rosy posted even sooner than planned. I'm trying to arrange possible housing options should I sell her before I am ready to leave on my trip.
My parents are leaving on the 29th of this month. It's so soon. And everything is so crazy for them right now, too, because they lost even more time than we did in Kentucky. So, my sister and I are scrambling to spend as much time with them as possible, and to help them as much as possible before they go. We are all having to take shifts driving Sister to and from work (Durham to Cary) while the truck is in the shop. It's a little crazy right now. But it's crazy in a way that seems to be somehow working, so I won't complain.
Mercury goes retrograde on March 30. I don't really like the idea of my parents still traveling when it goes retrograde, but I am trusting that the Universe will grant them safe passage to their new home. I hope this astrological phenom doesn't deter my planning process. But I'm glad it will be direct when I'm planning to be traveling ... at least the first leg of my travels.
Alright, it's late, and I'm finally feeling those first sweet suggestive signs of sleepiness, so I'm gonna turn in for the night. I hope you are having a sweet and dreamy evening wherever you are. Buenas Noches.
16 March, 2011
03 March, 2011
Bittersweet Goodbye
Grandpa died yesterday.
He passed peacefully while my mother was with him.
I am having a really hard time processing this loss. I am not sure why this grief is so great for me. I am happy for him to be relieved of his mortal shell, which had become overrun with pain and discomfort in the past several years. I am even happier that he will be able to join my Grandma after these eight years apart. And I am happiest that I was privileged enough to know the man and to spend time with him before he departed.
Perhaps I am feeling the emotional pain more acutely now because my body, mind and spirit have been detoxifying so fully lately? Perhaps it is the first time, as an adult, that I have really been able to be present with a loved one just before their passing? Perhaps it's the first time I've really allowed myself to feel grief in its full form? Perhaps, since this is my last grandparent to depart, I am feeling a greater disconnect with my sense of Home and Family in the greater sense of the words? Perhaps it's a bit of all of these? I don't know. I just know that I feel very alone right now. I feel very sad, down to the core of my being.
The most difficult for me to understand is that the thought of my grandpa's house, and all of the familiar belongings in it, not being there anymore seems to really up the intensity of these feelings. The very thought of not being able to visit there, as I have for my whole life, shakes me at my center. And I just don't understand why. The only thing I can figure is that losing that house, which has been an enduring familial home to me since birth, is like losing the last vestige of everything I have ever identified with Home.
If you are wondering, I do get the irony of mourning a house and its belongings during a period in which I am electively discarding my own house and belongings. I suppose this is just one more step on this journey I am taking towards personal freedom. One more brick in my own wall of self-awareness. And maybe as I begin to ascend a little further up the road, these feelings will make more sense to me. Then again, I suppose it's not for feelings to be logical or rational. Maybe I just need to feel this deeply to be reminded that I can.
Goodbye, Grandpa. You were an amazing human being, and I am honoured to have basked in the glow of your brilliance.
He passed peacefully while my mother was with him.
I am having a really hard time processing this loss. I am not sure why this grief is so great for me. I am happy for him to be relieved of his mortal shell, which had become overrun with pain and discomfort in the past several years. I am even happier that he will be able to join my Grandma after these eight years apart. And I am happiest that I was privileged enough to know the man and to spend time with him before he departed.
Perhaps I am feeling the emotional pain more acutely now because my body, mind and spirit have been detoxifying so fully lately? Perhaps it is the first time, as an adult, that I have really been able to be present with a loved one just before their passing? Perhaps it's the first time I've really allowed myself to feel grief in its full form? Perhaps, since this is my last grandparent to depart, I am feeling a greater disconnect with my sense of Home and Family in the greater sense of the words? Perhaps it's a bit of all of these? I don't know. I just know that I feel very alone right now. I feel very sad, down to the core of my being.
The most difficult for me to understand is that the thought of my grandpa's house, and all of the familiar belongings in it, not being there anymore seems to really up the intensity of these feelings. The very thought of not being able to visit there, as I have for my whole life, shakes me at my center. And I just don't understand why. The only thing I can figure is that losing that house, which has been an enduring familial home to me since birth, is like losing the last vestige of everything I have ever identified with Home.
If you are wondering, I do get the irony of mourning a house and its belongings during a period in which I am electively discarding my own house and belongings. I suppose this is just one more step on this journey I am taking towards personal freedom. One more brick in my own wall of self-awareness. And maybe as I begin to ascend a little further up the road, these feelings will make more sense to me. Then again, I suppose it's not for feelings to be logical or rational. Maybe I just need to feel this deeply to be reminded that I can.
Goodbye, Grandpa. You were an amazing human being, and I am honoured to have basked in the glow of your brilliance.
26 February, 2011
Update
Still in the hospital. Still in ICU. Have been here most of the day every day since we've been here. Grandpa is still cognizant, but is exponentially more tired than that first day we spent with him. His doctor told us they have done all that they are able to do for him, so he will be moved to palliative care sometime this afternoon. They stopped giving him one of his medications, which is what, I believe, lead to the increased fatigue. His blood pressure is very low, and he is still relying on the oxygen for respiration. He has been experiencing some anxiety, especially in the evenings, so has been receiving percoset and morphine most nights. He is still getting a great many visitors, which he likes, so long as we don't pester him too much. I have to leave tomorrow morning to make it back to NC for a continuing education class on Sunday, and client appointments during this week. Then I hope to come back on Friday. It will be very hard for me to leave his side, but emotions are running pretty high here, so it will be a nice rest for me to have some alone time. Everyone (myself included) is trying to help in any way we can (whether it's actually helpful for us to do so or not), and we are all trying to stay cheerful. Our family isn't really one that talks about our feelings very openly. That's always been difficult for me as I am one who really needs to discuss those things. I guess that's one reason I excused myself to come write this blog entry.
On the plus side, I have been able to contribute to my grandfather's comfort at least a little. I did help with the first in-bed face-shaving experiment ... though, my cousin fired me and took over that job. But I have been able to help alleviate some discomfort with some light massage work to grandpa's back, neck, shoulders and feet. I can't really do much for his legs due to his excessive edema (swelling), but I was able to help him move them up and down a little since they are too heavy for him to lift on his own. I was glad to be able to do that for him. And it's been really nice to have this time to spend with him while he is still awake and aware. I am not sure how many of those days are left. We don't really know what will happen next. I just hope that grandpa will have as much dignity and as little pain as possible whatever happens.
Thanks for reading, and allowing me to just hash some of this stuff out a little. I hope that it makes sense. My brain is a little fuzzy with all this emotional load swirling and twirling about inside. And yesterday was the 8 year anniversary of my grandma's death, so it was especially difficult. Please keep sending any good vibes that you can spare. Namaste.
On the plus side, I have been able to contribute to my grandfather's comfort at least a little. I did help with the first in-bed face-shaving experiment ... though, my cousin fired me and took over that job. But I have been able to help alleviate some discomfort with some light massage work to grandpa's back, neck, shoulders and feet. I can't really do much for his legs due to his excessive edema (swelling), but I was able to help him move them up and down a little since they are too heavy for him to lift on his own. I was glad to be able to do that for him. And it's been really nice to have this time to spend with him while he is still awake and aware. I am not sure how many of those days are left. We don't really know what will happen next. I just hope that grandpa will have as much dignity and as little pain as possible whatever happens.
Thanks for reading, and allowing me to just hash some of this stuff out a little. I hope that it makes sense. My brain is a little fuzzy with all this emotional load swirling and twirling about inside. And yesterday was the 8 year anniversary of my grandma's death, so it was especially difficult. Please keep sending any good vibes that you can spare. Namaste.
23 February, 2011
Family Matters
Yesterday my family and I had to unexpectedly drop everything and travel to Kentucky.
My grandfather just recently had a surgery to implant a pacemaker, and was in the process of recovering when his cardiorespiratory cavity filled with fluid, causing his kidneys to fail, which caused his heart to go wonky. My uncle called my mother telling her we better get to the hospital while we could, because they didn't think my grandfather was going to be with us much longer. So, grieving and rushed, we threw some things in bags, canceled all appointments for the day, found last minute pet care and were on our way in our two car caravan.
Once en route, we got the somewhat heartening news that the doctors had managed to jump start grandpa's heart, as well as regulate his kidney function. That definitely made the drive a little less stressful. We got in last night around 10:00pm or so, and went directly to the hospital. We were able to go visit him in the ICU. My uncle was still there. My grandfather was doing better, and was even awake and able to talk with us, but he is still in pretty critical condition. We only stayed about an hour so as not to tire him out too much.
This morning, after breakfast, we came back over, and have been here ever since. Grandpa's still holding his own today. He's very swollen, and is on oxygen and who knows what medications, but he's cognizant and is able to carry on conversations with us. I honestly don't know how he has the energy to entertain our motley crew in his state. We all, as good Southerners, are trying to help him so much that we are likely just keeping him from getting some much needed rest. He's sleeping right now, though. I stayed in the room with him while the rest of the gang went down to the cafeteria. (I brought my lunch.) So, I sat here reading my PT book, and when I got too sleepy to do that, I got out the laptop and started typing this.
Mom came in for a few moments, but with no helpful chores to do for her sleeping dad, found herself staring at the machine that runs the vital statistics. Any blink, beep or change in the numbers was causing her to freak out, so she decided she would go wait with the others in the waiting lounge.
The pastor of grandpa's church just came in, and while I'm sure he meant well, he roused my grandpa from his rest, which I think is pretty crummy. They are carrying on a conversation now. So, I guess I will wrap this up and join in the chatter.
If you have any spare mojo or good healing vibes that you can send our way, we would be most appreciative. Thanks, in advance. I'll let you know what happens as I learn more.
My grandfather just recently had a surgery to implant a pacemaker, and was in the process of recovering when his cardiorespiratory cavity filled with fluid, causing his kidneys to fail, which caused his heart to go wonky. My uncle called my mother telling her we better get to the hospital while we could, because they didn't think my grandfather was going to be with us much longer. So, grieving and rushed, we threw some things in bags, canceled all appointments for the day, found last minute pet care and were on our way in our two car caravan.
Once en route, we got the somewhat heartening news that the doctors had managed to jump start grandpa's heart, as well as regulate his kidney function. That definitely made the drive a little less stressful. We got in last night around 10:00pm or so, and went directly to the hospital. We were able to go visit him in the ICU. My uncle was still there. My grandfather was doing better, and was even awake and able to talk with us, but he is still in pretty critical condition. We only stayed about an hour so as not to tire him out too much.
This morning, after breakfast, we came back over, and have been here ever since. Grandpa's still holding his own today. He's very swollen, and is on oxygen and who knows what medications, but he's cognizant and is able to carry on conversations with us. I honestly don't know how he has the energy to entertain our motley crew in his state. We all, as good Southerners, are trying to help him so much that we are likely just keeping him from getting some much needed rest. He's sleeping right now, though. I stayed in the room with him while the rest of the gang went down to the cafeteria. (I brought my lunch.) So, I sat here reading my PT book, and when I got too sleepy to do that, I got out the laptop and started typing this.
Mom came in for a few moments, but with no helpful chores to do for her sleeping dad, found herself staring at the machine that runs the vital statistics. Any blink, beep or change in the numbers was causing her to freak out, so she decided she would go wait with the others in the waiting lounge.
The pastor of grandpa's church just came in, and while I'm sure he meant well, he roused my grandpa from his rest, which I think is pretty crummy. They are carrying on a conversation now. So, I guess I will wrap this up and join in the chatter.
If you have any spare mojo or good healing vibes that you can send our way, we would be most appreciative. Thanks, in advance. I'll let you know what happens as I learn more.
20 February, 2011
Pins and Needles and Bodies in Motion
Yesterday was absolutely beautiful! 76 degrees and sunny! I am so ready for full-time Spring. I had a great day. After teaching my yoga class at the YMCA, I stayed to do my toning and stretching workouts. Then I went to the East Campus (Duke) loop for a jog in the delicious weather. As I was getting in the car following the jog, I received a voice mail from the acupuncturist's office letting me know that there was a cancelation. I would not have to wait another two weeks for my appointment, after all! So, I went home, tidied myself up, ran a few errands, and arrived at the acupuncturist's office. I hadn't realized it until I called to make the appointment, but I hadn't been to see her since 2007. Crazy. It was so wonderful to be back there. Toby Helmstetter is my acupuncturist. She is one of the founders of Triangle Acupuncture Clinic. She is brilliant ... a true healer. And she's really approachable and down to earth, so it's very easy for me to open up to her about things that might be going on in my body. I absolutely adore her. (If you are looking for an acupuncturist in the Triangle (NC) area, you should definitely contact her. She has offices in Chapel Hill and Cary. www.triangleacupunctureclinic.com) My appointment was lovely, as always. Toby was so supportive of the life changes I'm making, and she even commented on how my spirit seemed totally changed (in a positive way). We did a treatment to help support the detoxifying process that my body is undergoing, with some added points for opening the sinuses and sense orifices and points for nurturing and aiding in transformational processes. It felt great. It's always so relaxing for me to receive acupuncture work.
After my appointment I was supposed to go to my friend's house for a girl's night. I drove out to Durham, and knocked on the door, only to discover that she was sick and had canceled. (Apparently, she sent an email earlier in the day, but I hadn't been home to check my email.) So, I drove back home, had my dinner, did some personal training studying, and went to bed pretty early.
OH! That reminds me: Toby said that my lucid dreaming is likely part of my detoxification process, which makes sense considering I've been dreaming a lot about past people and events, and breaking away from those. Although, last night, among the dream of being in school with some of the girls from my [actual] high school experience, James Franco made a cameo appearance. It was dreamy (pun not intended). Unfortunately, his cameo was a little more fleeting than I would have liked. But, at least he showed up at all! That was certainly a pleasant treat. Mr. Franco, should you ever read this: You are welcome in my dreams ANYTIME!
That's all to report for now. I'm off to do more studying. I've gotten a little bit behind, and plan to spend today doing lots of catch up. Hope you enjoy your Saturday!
After my appointment I was supposed to go to my friend's house for a girl's night. I drove out to Durham, and knocked on the door, only to discover that she was sick and had canceled. (Apparently, she sent an email earlier in the day, but I hadn't been home to check my email.) So, I drove back home, had my dinner, did some personal training studying, and went to bed pretty early.
OH! That reminds me: Toby said that my lucid dreaming is likely part of my detoxification process, which makes sense considering I've been dreaming a lot about past people and events, and breaking away from those. Although, last night, among the dream of being in school with some of the girls from my [actual] high school experience, James Franco made a cameo appearance. It was dreamy (pun not intended). Unfortunately, his cameo was a little more fleeting than I would have liked. But, at least he showed up at all! That was certainly a pleasant treat. Mr. Franco, should you ever read this: You are welcome in my dreams ANYTIME!
That's all to report for now. I'm off to do more studying. I've gotten a little bit behind, and plan to spend today doing lots of catch up. Hope you enjoy your Saturday!
17 February, 2011
Sell Out
Oh, in case some of you are wondering why there are ads on my blog now, it's because I'm selling out a little to try to pimp myself out more. Just a way to increase traffic and create some potential revenue. Please forgive ...
Here's The Video!
Once again, I'd like to remind you to please not make any harsh judgments on the poor quality of this video. Think of it as the rough cut ... the VERY rushed spur-of-the-moment rough cut. (Ms. Lowe: I'm talking to you ... please don't judge my abilities on this one example!) And, as always, I appreciate any comments/feedback. Enjoy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)